“I’m not good enough because…”
“I’m not good enough” is a harsh subconscious limitation in the self-esteem system that prevents people from believing in themselves, from being sure of themselves, from accepting themselves unconditionally. It is often so insidious and unconscious that we fail to see the huge role it plays in our daily lives. “I am not enough” creates in man an endless struggle with himself, in the course of which self-esteem is completely destroyed. On the one hand, I would like to be enough, but on the other, I don’t think I could ever be.
We all have our own story, entitled “I’m not enough because…”. This story is activated every time we are in danger of encountering some kind of pain. Pain that makes us feel wrong, humiliated, alone, excluded, abandoned, etc. In fact, we are not afraid of not being enough, we are afraid of the pain we will face if I am not enough for someone or something. When someone ridicules us or hurts us emotionally in some other way, we experience pain.
Man is built on two driving forces – pain and pleasure. We will do anything to avoid pain or to get pleasure. The urge to avoid pain can be so strong that a person begins to behave in ways that are incomprehensible to themselves and can lead to conflict with themselves. This is called a conflict of values. There is always a greater desire in the brain to avoid pain than to get pleasure, it is a survival mechanism. Because we always experience pain as greater, therefore negative, painful programs become anchored in us more quickly and deeply. That is why they are harder to get rid of.
Everyone’s personal story of not being right begins when they are made to feel as a child that they are wrong, and the reaction that follows is an experience of pain that will be avoided in the future. Experiences of not being worthy can also include, for example, parental divorce, rejection, physical punishment, verbal humiliation, ridicule, etc. We all have this story.
But this story, “I’m not enough”, is the biggest lie of your life, because it’s not you. You have learned this story from somewhere, from the pain experience of other people (e.g. your parents or the people who surrounded you in childhood) who have given you this pain experience and have behaved in a certain way because of their pain. So it is not your truth, it is not your pain and it is not your story. People’s greatest fear, which they never dare to show or admit, is to face their pain, because then they have to face their greatest fear, which is to be ridiculed, humiliated, abandoned, etcetera. So we start to wear different masks throughout life to compensate for inferiority, lack of self-confidence, lack of love, etc.
Because at the core of my being I feel that I’m not enough, even when a person wants help they still push everything away and can’t accept it.
If we allow our whole lives to be driven by this lull, we will never reach our full potential and we will never be truly happy. Why is that? Because our choices and actions are driven by fear and avoidance of pain, not by passion and love for life.
How can we heal the inadequacy programme and make it work for us?
1. Find the story of your program and unpack it one by one.
When you decipher it, you get an understanding, and you can use that understanding as empathy towards yourself. Take a piece of paper, a pen and finish the sentence “I am not enough because…” with the first words that come to mind. E.g. “I am not enough because I didn’t go to university”, “I am not enough because I don’t have money”, “I am not enough because I am ugly.” etc. Write down everything that comes from the subconscious. Feel in which situations does your story “I’m not enough because…” come out?
2. Create a new identity for yourself.
What kind of personality do you want to grow into? Write everything down in detail.
Choose the 3 most important qualities from the previous point and define them for yourself.
Let’s say you want to grow up to be a confident, good communicator, a woman or a man who loves himself. Based on this, put in place an action plan of what you are going to do to develop these qualities in yourself.
3. Observe the moments you betray yourself every day.
Put together a self-recovery plan. Write down new promises to yourself, dreams, self-care activities, fears you want to face, etc.
4. Start offering yourself what you’ve been missing.
What does your inner child really miss? Think about what you were missing. For example, you need recognition, praise, understanding, good food, etc. Make a list.
5. Stop fighting with yourself.
Accept the material you have been given. Ask yourself how you can put this material to work for you and others. Find the potential of your pain – what gifts can you find in it for yourself and others?
What we have experienced in our lives shows where our potential lies. When we disconnect from our addiction to pain, we realise that we have been valuable from the beginning just as we are, and that the experience of pain has come to reveal instead our uniqueness as who we are.